If encountered at a party or social gathering, approach with openness. Conversation topics may include: his latest sci-fi read, the impacts of AI on humanity, what you'd do if you never had to work again, why everyone seems so angry lately, the last time you actually connected with someone just to talk, the finer points of arm wrestling technique, and why getting a haircut every single month is, in fact, a bad habit.
Authorities further warn that his enablement tactics are dangerously addictive and may result in making new friends.
Matt was reported to have assaulted customer ears by cranking "Hotel California" in the demo room. Customers were not prepared for the fact that the systems went to 11.
Status: Case closed. No charges filed. Song remains a bop.
Matt worked out of a Dunder Mifflin–style office, literally selling paper and preprinted forms. It was oddly quiet. No hijinks or pranks were engaged in. He did, however, run a multitasking mockup dialing 85 customers a day. The crime reported: 10 of those dials were to the local weather line. He claimed a lesson was learned, that quality mattered over quantity. His paycheck reflected this positively.
Status: Closed. Subject cooperated fully. Weather that week was mild, seasonable.
Matt was observed bribing IT sales reps with a good time. Creative marketing engagement and interpersonal relationship building were deemed in violation of social norms. By taking mindshare from competitors, he was found in violation of playing nice with other marketers. He remains on the Top 10 Most Wanted list. He can currently be located on this very webpage. Contact him directly if legal bribery services are required.
Status: Warrant remains active. Subject not hiding especially hard.
Matt was seen switching sides, taking his approach to a broader swath of the IT sales community, refining trainings and engagements into a mutually experienced event. The PowerPoint-and-speeds-and-feeds community remains visibly upset with him as of this notice. Real-time adaptation and room-reading created core memories in those who were not prepared.
Status: Community impact ongoing. Zoltar was consulted. Your fortune is in your own hands.
Matt was witnessed taking his antics into the cybersecurity space. This is a serious alert. Engaging new markets required new tactics. Enabling partners to better secure end users became the stated mission. Interpersonal relationships were elevated to highest priority. Subjects who engage him directly report an elevated risk of teaching him something in return. Mutual advancement has concerned traditionalists for decades. Proceed with caution. Be alert for breaches in established thought process.
Status: Active. Threat level: collaborative.
Matt remains at large, still bringing his views on sales psychology and technological philosophy to the public. A modern sales approach continues to be encouraged through direct engagement. Tracking his history has informed projections of future tactics. He has firmly declined direct partnerships with con men and swindlers, though he continues to study their offers to better understand exploitation tactics. A shift in mindset can still be expected after prolonged engagement, frequently resulting in new, successful endeavors in the realm of interpersonal relationships.
Status: Subject considered enabling, not dangerous. Apprehension not recommended. Engagement encouraged.